Showing category "0.12% Hard Liquor" (Show all posts)

REVIEW: With the White Portuguese & Granny's Peach Tea, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Flies Too Close to the Sun

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 26, 2016, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Directed By: Zack Snyder

Starring: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter, Scoot McNairy, and Gal Gadot

For me, there are no two more iconic and awe-inspiring superheroes than Batman and Superman. That's why I'm so heartbroken that their first time on the big screen together is being helmed by Zack Snyder. The man behind comic book adaptations Watchmen and Man of Steel has a less than ...

REVIEW: Fifty Shades of Black – An Hour and Thirty-Five Minutes of a Shirtless Marlon Wayans

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Wednesday, February 3, 2016, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Fifty Shades of Black

Directed by: Michael Tiddes

Starring: Marlon Wayans, Kali Hawk, Jane Seymour, Mike Epps, Affion Crockett, and Jenny Zigrino

As I was leaving a showing of Fifty Shades of Black, an irate woman remarked, “Is it too late to get my money back?” That question succinctly sums up my thoughts on Fifty Shades and I could literally end my review with that question. But alas, Sobriety Test Movie Reviews must analyze Marlon Wayans’ spoof of Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades ...

REVIEW: Given Gucci Toilets, Hydrangeas & Mrs. Black Hammer, Ride Along 2 Certainly Doesn't Boast Blentlemen Brothers in Law

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, January 16, 2016, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Ride Along 2

Directed By: Tim Story

Starring: Ice Cube, Kevin Hart, Ken Jeong, Benjamin Bratt, Olivia Munn, Bruce McGill, and Tika Sumpter

I have no love lost for the original Ride Along, but it unfortunately made a decent chunk of change at the box office. Given this, the greed machine that is Hollywood greenlit a totally unnecessary sequel. That sequel arrives at the box office this weekend and is taking Kevin Hart and Ice Cube's less-than-interesting bromance to Miami. It saddens me to say...
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REVIEW: Not Full of Too Many Beautiful Moments, Love the Coopers Is A Bit Too Unguarded

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, November 26, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Love the Coopers

Directed By: Jessie Nelson

Starring: Alan Arkin, John Goodman, Ed Helms, Diane Keaton, Jake Lacy, Anthony Mackie, Amanda Seyfried, June Squibb, Marisa Tomei, and Olivia Wilde

Several weeks ago, veteran actor Alan Arkin suffered a minor stroke. We at STMR want to wish
him a safe and speedy recovery during this holiday season. Looking at this situation, I must say that it's really surprising how life can imitate art at times. As fate would have it, Arkin's character suffers a m...

REVIEW: To Defeat the Witch Queen for Ax & Cross, Last Witch Hunter Kaulder Must Remember Your Death With the Help of Dream Walker Chloe

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, October 25, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Last Witch Hunter

Directed By: Breck Eisner

Starring: Vin Diesel, Rose Leslie, Elijah Wood, and Michael Caine

Considering he began Universal's amazing streak this year with the $1.5 billion box office haul of Furious 7 and that he solidified his place in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Groot in last year's Guardians of the Galaxy, Vin Diesel should be on top of the world right now. He should be taking a victory lap before getting back to the things that are helping his career to flourish. ...

REVIEW: Pan Doesn't Exactly Mine the Pixie Dust of Neverland Into Movie Magic

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, October 17, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Pan

Directed By: Joe Wright

Starring: Levi Miller, Hugh Jackman, Garrett Hedlund, Rooney Mara, and Amanda Seyfried

I've said this time and time again. Getting a release date pushed back is a curse for a film. The proof is in the product put out by the studio when a film's release date is the hot potato nobody wants. Seventh Son was a great example of this earlier in the year. As fate would have it, this Columbus Day weekend offers another film that unfortunately fits this bill with Joe Wrigh...

REVIEW: For Gamers Brenner, Wonder Kid, Fireblaster & Chewie Need Cheat Codes Instead of Light Cannons to Make Pixels Worthwhile

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, July 26, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Pixels

Directed By: Chris Columbus

Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Michelle Monaghan, Peter Dinklage, Josh Gad, Brian Cox, Ashley Benson, and Jane Krakowski

I've really come to despise Adam Sandler movies in recent years. For some strange reason, however, I held out hope for Pixels. After all, its premise is more than just Sandler waltzing around screen giving American cinema a bad name. Pixels is about the characters that laid the foundation of the gaming world we know and love today. ...

REVIEW: Entourage – Vince And The Boys Should Have Stayed On The Small Screen

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Sunday, June 7, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Entourage
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Doug Ellin

Starring: Jeremy Piven, Kevin Connolly, Adrien Grenier, Kevin Dillon, Jerry Ferrara, Billy Bob Thornton, and Ronda Rousey

Entertainment Weekly Radio held a town hall with the Entourage cast on SiriusXm. During the broadcast, the cast was asked why they decided to turn their hit HBO series into a movie. One of the cast members responded that once they saw how much money the Sex and the City movie made, the Entourage crew decided they could make t...
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REVIEW: Despite Gilchrest & Ng's Chemistry, The Payload from Aloha's Global One Is Indeed Nuclear

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, May 31, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Aloha

Directed By: Cameron Crowe

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams, Bill Murray, John Krasinski, Danny McBride, and Alec Baldwin

Unexpectedly bad movies are the worst. It's a game of expectations that we've all lost. You go into the theater expecting a halfway decent movie at a minimum. Instead, you get nothing but garbage for your time and money. When you expect very little at the box office, a movie can either meet your expectations by sucking or exceed them by pleasantl...
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REVIEW: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 Offers Moviegoers Anything But A Rocky Mountain Steed

Posted by James Brown on Monday, April 20, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Directed By: Andy Fickman

Starring: Kevin James, Neal McDonough, Daniella Alonso, David Henrie, Raini Rodriguez, Loni Love, and Geovanni Gopradi

I've been starting to think that I've been getting softer as a movie critic. I've been giving fewer wasted ratings. I've not had any recent urges to walk out of movies. To take the cake, I can't even remember the last time I wrote an angry movie review. All of these thoughts came to a screeching halt this weekend when I saw Pa...
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REVIEW: Into the Wind After Killing the Congo's Minister of Mining, The Gunman Jim Terrier Decides to Build a Half-Assed Treehouse

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 21, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Gunman

Directed By: Pierre Morel

Starring: Sean Penn, Idris Elba, Ray Winstone, Mark Rylance, Jasmine Trinca, Peter Franzén, and Javier Bardem

With director Pierre Morel of Taken fame at the helm, acting royalty Sean Penn in the lead role, and a host of acclaimed supporting cast members, The Gunman should have been far better than it turned out to be. On paper, it's cinematic gold. However, it's been abundantly clear in every trailer and TV spot that this film would hardly hit the spot. ...
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REVIEW: With Lougle's Nitrotrinadium, Choozy Doozy & the Webber Strut, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Makes Cyclical Time Travel to 2025 Unbearable

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, February 21, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Directed By: Steve Pink

Starring: Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Adam Scott, and Chevy Chase

I was a fan of the original Hot Tub Time Machine some five years ago. It wasn't the greatest comedy I've had the pleasure of viewing, but it was thoroughly entertaining. You simply can't go wrong making fun of the 80s. That was the strength of the film. Fast forward five years to the present, and we've now got a time travel sequel looking to mar the original. Hot Tub...
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REVIEW: With Spooks & Witches But No Blue Spark, Seventh Son Poses the Wrong Question & Gets Wrong Answers

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, February 14, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Seventh Son

Directed By: Sergei Bodrov

Starring: Jeff Bridges, Ben Barnes, Alicia Vikander, Kit Harington, Olivia Williams, Antje Traue, Djimon Hounsou, and Julianne Moore

The first weekend in February was a disaster zone for big budget films at the box office. Just look to the failures of Jupiter Ascending and Seventh Son. As these two costly endeavors sank at the box office, SpongeBob SquarePants surprisingly rose to the challenge and is actually the one that finally vanquished American Snip...
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REVIEW: Taken 3 – Take Me Away From This Tired Franchise

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Sunday, January 11, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Taken 3
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Luc Besson

Starring: Liam Neeson, Forest Whitaker, Famke Janssen, Maggie Grace, Dougray Scott, Sam Spruell, and Leland Orser

In 2008, Taken transformed Liam Neeson into a bona fide action star at age 55. Known for Schindler’s List and Gangs of New York, among other films, Neeson became a kickass protagonist who could draw people to the box office for an action thriller. Unfortunately, Taken 3 is a pathetic attempt at cashing in on the success of the first ...
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REVIEW: For Daughter Penny's Kidney, Dumb Harry and Dumber Lloyd Blandly Reunite at the Ken Conference

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, November 15, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Dumb and Dumber To

Directed By: Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly

Starring: Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels, Laurie Holden, and Kathleen Turner

I'm amazed at how moviegoers need to learn the same lesson over and over again year after year. Some movies should just be left alone. In most cases, there's absolutely no need for a sequel. I was never a huge fan of the original Dumb and Dumber film or the hackneyed attempts at sequels over the years. Some twenty years later, I'm still opposed to the prosp...
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REVIEW: For a Soul, Annabelle Higgins Blandly Introduces Mia Gordon to Her Satanic Cult the Disciples of Ram with Nursery Music

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, October 4, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Annabelle

Directed By: John R. Leonetti

Starring: Annabelle Wallis, Ward Horton, Tony Amendola, and Alfre Woodard

The last movie I saw about a doll was A Haunted House 2. Though the atrocious spoof was much earlier in the year, my bitterness lingers on today. With the notion of Marlon Wayans shamelessly sexing a doll named Abigail in the back of my mind, it's needless to say a horror movie about the doll on which Abigail is based is the last thing I want to see on the big screen. As it stands...
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REVIEW: Whether a Backstreet Boys Patrolman or Brothers in Blue, I Don't Want Let's Be Cops Either Way

Posted by James Brown on Friday, August 15, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Let's Be Cops

Directed By: Luke Greenfield

Starring: Jake Johnson, Damon Wayans, Jr., Rob Riggle, Nina Dobrev, James D'Arcy, and Andy Garcia

Parleying success on the small screen into success on the big screen can be a daunting task. There's a big difference between holding viewers' attention for 30 or 60 minutes with commercial breaks and holding it for two hours straight. Sure, there are plenty of examples to the contrary including the likes of Jamie Foxx, Martin Lawrence, and Will Smith. St...
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REVIEW: Sex Tape – A Rarely Funny Infomercial For iPads And YouPorn

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Sunday, July 20, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Sex Tape

SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Jake Kasdan

Starring: Cameron Diaz, Jason Segal, Rob Corddry, Rob Lowe, and Ellie Kemper

Every summer, studios release comedies involving adults behaving badly in the hopes of attracting audiences looking for a little raunchy humor. From Ted to We’re The Millers to Bad Teacher, raunchy comedies have become popular summer fare. Hoping to capitalize on that trend, Sex Tape opens this weekend, and unfortunately, while somewhat salacious, it is decidedly not ...

REVIEW: With Jet Skis, Pies, and Ice Cream Trucks, Topperjack's Robber Tammy & Pearl Her Alcoholic Granny Ruin the Fourth of July

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, July 3, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Tammy

Directed By: Ben Falcone

Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Susan Sarandon, Allison Janney, Toni Collette, Sandra Oh, Dan Aykroyd, and Kathy Bates

Mainstream cinema is looking pretty underwhelming on this Fourth of July weekend. It's much quieter at the movies relative to 2012 and 2013. Compared to films of years past like The Amazing Spider-Man and Despicable Me 2, we have no big budget spectacles arriving at the box office this weekend. On what's traditionally considered one of the biggest m...
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REVIEW: In Jersey Boys, Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons Don't Honor the Jersey Contract Put Forth in the Broadway Original

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, June 21, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Jersey Boys

Directed By: Clint Eastwood

Starring: John Lloyd Young, Erich Bergen, Michael Lomenda, Vincent Piazza, and Christopher Walken

It suffices to say that talking to an empty chair hasn't exactly paid dividends for American cinema icon Clint Eastwood. I can say with ease that I lost some respect for Harry the day he got his hands dirty in the game of politics. The five-time Oscar winner has been relegated to baseball movies like Trouble With the Curve. Now, the Million Dollar Baby and ...
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REVIEW: Unplugged from Cell Phones & Comedy, Moms' Night Out Needs an Oxygen Mask Just to Be an Eagle on the Dance Cam

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, May 10, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Moms' Night Out

Directed By: Andrew Erwin and Jon Erwin

Starring: Sarah Drew, Trace Adkins, Sean Astin, and Patricia Heaton

For me, the month of May is always a hard time of year. It's the season of giving gifts. Somebody's always graduating from somewhere. There's also a multitude of birthdays. Last but not least, Mother's Day always arrives on that second Sunday of the month. While I don't mind honoring graduates, birthday revelers, and especially moms, I must say that my wallet is assaul...
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REVIEW: Detroit Bombing Brick Mansions Like RoboCop's Delta City Won't Work for Sheriff Damian Collier, Deputy Lino Dupree, or Drug Lord Tremaine Alexander

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, April 26, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Brick Mansions

Directed By: Camille Delamarre

Starring: Paul Walker, David Belle, and RZA

RoboCop seems to be having a bit of a second life this year. There was the remake earlier this year with Joel Kinnaman, Michael Keaton, Gary Oldman, and Samuel L. Jackson. Now, the whole concept of Delta City, a revitalized utopia built on the ashes of the urban, underprivileged portion of the community, is being brought back to life. It's called Brick Mansions this time around. With the late Paul Walke...
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REVIEW: Spoofing The Conjuring & Insidious: Chapter 2, A Haunted House 2 Pathetically Sexes Abigail the Doll & Satirizes Demon Agouhl

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, April 19, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

A Haunted House 2

Directed By: Michael Tiddes

Starring: Marlon Wayans, Jaime Pressly, Essence Atkins, Gabriel Iglesias, and Cedric the Entertainer

I've been loathing this weekend on my review calendar for quite some time, for quite some time. I knew that the completely unwarranted follow-up to Marlon Wayans's A Haunted House would be arriving in theaters on this weekend. I knew that a horrendous, trashy film was on my docket. I knew that I'd be a simultaneously embarrassed and pissed off movi...
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REVIEW: From Mt. Khisko to the Secret De Leon, Tobey Marshall & Dino Brewster Have a Need for Speed to Settle Their Feud

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 15, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Need for Speed

Directed By: Scott Waugh

Starring: Aaron Paul, Dominic Cooper, Kid Cudi, Imogen Poots, Ramón Rodriguez, and Michael Keaton

Movies based on video games are a hard sell. Titles like Mortal Kombat, Doom, and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time should all evoke some bad memories. We've all regretted going to go see one of these often cheesy, underdeveloped adaptations that don't do justice to the games we love. That being said, I had anything but high expectations for Scott Waugh'...
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REVIEW: Dark Vengeance – Literally Made For Television

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Tuesday, March 4, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Dark Vengeance
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Steven Seagal, Warren Christie, Sarah Lind, Tzi Ma, Meghan Ory, and George Takei

As a child of the ‘80’s and ‘90’s, I have a certain affinity for cheesy martial arts/crime/sci-fi fare. I grew up on films starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal. For heaven’s sake, I’ve seen Cyborg multiple times. Thus, I am not opposed to the resurgence of 80’s actors, who are provi...
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REVIEW: Don't Be Afraid to Skip Son of God

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 1, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Son of God

Directed By: Christopher Spencer

Starring: Diogo Morgado, Roma Downey, and Darwin Shaw

2014 might just be the year of the biblical movie. Hollywood is taking us to church in the coming weeks and months. Several weeks from now, Darren Aronofsky's Noah will be storming into theaters and bringing on the floodwaters. Later in the year, Moses will be telling Pharaoh to let his people go all over again and leading them to the Promised Land in Ridley Scott's Exodus. Before we get ahead o...
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REVIEW: In the City of Justice, Everything Is Connected by Starlight Except the Winter's Tale of Peter Lake & Beverly Penn

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, February 15, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Winter's Tale

Directed By: Akiva Goldsman

Starring: Colin Farrell, Jessica Brown Findlay, Jennifer Connelly, Russell Crowe, Eva Marie Saint, Will Smith, and William Hurt

We've got no originality at the box office this Valentine's Day weekend. Three of the movies arriving in theaters are remakes of films from the 80s. While I certainly don't mind the new RoboCop, three remakes in the same weekend is a bit much. However, that's not enough for Hollywood. There's another film arriving in theater...
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REVIEW: Born From Death, the Antichrist Comes Through a Pregnant Sam During Her Last Hour in Devil's Due

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, January 19, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Devil's Due

Directed By: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett

Starring: Allison Miller, Zach Gilford, Sam Anderson, and Robert Belushi

"Children, it is the last hour, and as you have heard that antichrist is coming, so now many antichrists have come. Therefore we know that it is the last hour."
1 John 2:18

It's the third weekend of the year, and we've already gotten our second found footage horror movie (the first being Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones). It's needless to say that I'm gett...
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REVIEW: Whether Prince Alcides or Hercules Son of Zeus, This Legend Sucks

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, January 12, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Legend of Hercules

Directed By: Renny Harlin

Starring: Kellan Lutz, Gaia Weiss, Scott Adkins, Roxanne McKee, and Liam Garrigan

2014 is the comeback year for the sword-and-sandal picture. Just look at the lineup at the box office in the coming months. Russell Crowe will be building an ark to prep for some major floodwaters in Darren Aronofsky's Noah in a couple of months. Christian Bale will be asking Pharaoh to let his people go as Moses in Ridley Scott's Exodus in the fall. We've even g...
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REVIEW: Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas – Time For Madea To Retire

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Sunday, December 15, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

A Madea Christmas
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Tyler Perry

Starring: Tyler Perry, Anna Maria Horsford, Larry The Cable Guy, Chad Michael Murphy, Tika Sumpter, Eric Lively, Alicia Witt, Lisa Whelchel, Kathy Najimy, and JR Lemon

Enough is enough. Tyler Perry’s popular cross-dressing grandma Madea has been through too much. She has had a reunion, weddings, been to jail and has even been involved with the witness protection program. Now, in Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas, she is involved wi...

REVIEW: Guardian Angel David Wozniak and His 533 Children Fail to Make the Delivery Man Any Different From Starbuck

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, November 23, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Delivery Man

Directed By: Ken Scott

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Chris Pratt, and Cobie Smulders

Remakes are part of the film industry's DNA, but directors remaking their own original works is something entirely different. That's what's happening with this weekend's comedy vehicle Delivery Man starring Vince Vaughn in which director Ken Scott is remaking his own Canadian comedy Starbuck. It's a bold move to say the least. The directors I can notably recall who decided to reimagine their own works ...
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REVIEW: In Free Birds, the Pardoned Great Turkey Would Seriously Like Us to Eat Pizza for Thanksgiving

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, November 2, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Free Birds

Directed By: Jimmy Hayward

Starring: Owen Wilson, Woody Harrelson, and Amy Poehler

It's the holiday movie season, which means we're going to get some great blockbusters, the next batch of awards contenders, and some horrible seasonally-themed family flicks. This weekend, we're getting a little bit of everything. We've possibly got the next big sci-fi series with Ender's Game. We've got the steamy film that took top honors at Cannes earlier this year, Blue is the Warmest Color. We'...
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REVIEW: #HaveYouBeenBad? For All Its Drugs, Diamonds, & Cheetahs, The Counselor Strangely Doesn't Fit the Bill

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, October 26, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Counselor

Directed By: Ridley Scott

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Penélope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem, and Brad Pitt

Some movies seem like the perfect recipe for success on paper but unexpectedly turn out to be failures on the grandest of scales. Until today, the best example in recent memory was the 2007 thriller Lions for Lambs. The film starred Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep, and Robert Redford. To top things off, Redford was playing multiple roles by sitting in the director's chair ...
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REVIEW: Machete Kills – Machete Don’t Tweet, But He Slaughters Everything Else, Including Any Entertainment Value in This Grindhouse Movie Gone Wrong

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Sunday, October 13, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Machete Kills

Directed By: Robert Rodriguez

Starring: Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Walton Goggins, William Sadler, Demián Bichir, Mel Gibson, and Jessica Alba

Machete Kills is the sequel to the 2010 cult hit Machete. Unfortunately, Machete Kills fails to deliver the fast-paced, brutal fun of the original film. In fact, Machete Kills is so bad, that patrons actually walked out of my theater in the middle of the fi...
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REVIEW: Runner Runner – Richie Furst Fails in This Online Gambling Drama, #nodisrespecttobenaffleck

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Saturday, October 5, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Runner Runner
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Brad Furman

Starring: Justin Timberlake, Gemma Arterton, Anthony Mackie, and Ben Affleck
`
I knew that Runner Runner was going to be a bad movie. I am not a part of the “I hate Ben Affleck” fan club. To the contrary, Affleck has had some great films: Good Will Hunting, Dogma, Argo, and The Town to name a few. I did not join the countless fanatics that practically shut down Twitter when Affleck was cast as the new Batman. I think he is a radically d...
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REVIEW: Former Race Car Driver Mr. Brent Magna Meets His Greatest Fan in One Stupid Movie Titled Getaway

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, August 31, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Getaway

Directed By: Courtney Solomon

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Selena Gomez, Jon Voight, Bruce Payne, Paul Freeman, Rebecca Budig, and James Maslow

There have been a lot of bad movies this year, and the pain just won't stop for whatever reason. We've had horror movies that have made me cringe at how inept the victims are, spoof movies that have made me wonder how high the writers were during the creative process, and action movies that have made me laugh at their goal to outdo Michael Bay with bi...
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REVIEW: With Clary, Jace, and Bach, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones Offers Some Pretty Mundane Shadow Hunters

Posted by James Brown on Friday, August 23, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

Directed By: Harald Zwart

Starring: Lily Collins, Jamie Campbell Bower, Robert Sheehan, Kevin Zegers, Lena Headey, Kevin Durand, Aidan Turner, Jemima West, Godfrey Gao, CCH Pounder, Jared Harris, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Casting can make or break a movie. That's never been more apparent than this weekend. With the announcement that Ben Affleck will be donning the cape and mask of the Dark Knight in the Man of Steel sequel, there has been a swift and harsh ...
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REVIEW: Cool Technology Like 3DPS and the Accura Phone Can't Make Up for a Lack of Thrills in Corporate Thriller Paranoia

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, August 17, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Paranoia

Directed By: Robert Luketic

Starring: Liam Hemsworth, Gary Oldman, Amber Heard, Harrison Ford, Lucas Till, Embeth Davidtz, Julian McMahon, Josh Holloway, and Richard Dreyfuss

Corporate life is something that sounds cool on paper but is insanely difficult to make interesting on the big screen. Sure, rivalries in the workplace exist. People often face complex real-world challenges, and there are those who cheat to get ahead. Nonetheless, the vast majority of any white collar worker's ...
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REVIEW: With the Angel of Vengeance Running the Show, Only God Forgives Is Drive on Crack in Thailand

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, July 20, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Only God Forgives

Directed By: Nicolas Winding Refn

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas, and Vithaya Pansringarm

Ryan Gosling has been all about re-teaming with his past directors this year. He did just that in The Place Beyond the Pines with his Blue Valentine director Derek Cianfrance. He's doing it again this weekend by getting back together with his Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn in Only God Forgives. Despite repeat collaborations with directors who each took Gosling's caree...
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REVIEW: Cop Shaquille O'Neal, Frat Boy Taylor Lautner, and Bully Stone Cold Can't Save the 80s Burpsnart-Filled Disaster Called Grown Ups 2

Posted by James Brown on Friday, July 12, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Grown Ups 2

Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello, and Nick Swardson

The Burpsnart. What in the blue hell has gone wrong with the 2013 summer movie season, and why has this idiotic concept creeped its way into what some deem entertainment? Let me explain. The Burpsnart is a three part act during which a middle-aged loser proceeds to burp, sneeze, and fart in very rapid succession. It was invented by Kevi...
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REVIEW: With a Psychic, an Actor, a Dominatrix, and Three Gay Male Flight Attendants, I'm Not So Excited for Peninsula Flight 2549

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, July 6, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

I'm So Excited

Directed By: Pedro Almodóvar

Starring: Javier Cámara, Cecilia Roth, Lola Dueñas, Raúl Arévalo, Carlos Areces, Antonio de la Torre, Hugo Silva, and Guillermo Toledo

After Pedro Almodóvar's The Skin I Live In a couple of years ago, I swore I'd never watch one of his movies again. It was too much for me. It was just too much. Two years later, here I am again with I'm So Excited, Almodóvar's latest comedy. Unfortunately for me, his twisted, often perverted sense of humor is...
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REVIEW: The Bling Ring Hits Up Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, & Orlando Bloom for Cash & Clothes But Completely Misses the Mark

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, June 22, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Bling Ring

Directed By: Sofia Coppola

Starring: Israel Broussard, Katie Chang, Taissa Farmiga, Claire Julien, Georgia Rock, Emma Watson, and Leslie Mann

Earlier this year, Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers rocked the box office. It was an oversexed movie with a purpose about four teen princesses turning to a life of crime for the chance of having a legendary spring break. Showing a life of crime and partying in all its decadent glory, Korine dished out some potent commentary on what the myt...
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REVIEW: The Hangover Part III – Leslie Chow Leads The Wolfpack Through Tijuana and Vegas, But The Party Is Clearly Over

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Friday, May 24, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Hangover Part III
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Todd Phillips

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, Heather Graham, Jeffrey Tambor, Justin Bartha, and John Goodman

Comedies very rarely have successful sequels, let alone a trilogy. As I watched The Hangover Part III, all I could think was that the creators should have stopped after the original Hangover movie. Why did they have to taint my memories of Stu, Phil and Alan? Oh right—because the franchise is worth ...

REVIEW: Kiss of the Damned Is One Steamy Erotic Mess of a Vampire Movie

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, May 11, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Kiss of the Damned

Directed By: Xan Cassavetes

Starring: Josephine de La Baume, Roxane Mesquida, Milo Ventimiglia, and Anna Mouglalis

As the owner of Sobriety Test and its webmaster, I try to regularly stay abreast of comments by readers checking out reviews all over the site. I would like to say thank you to all those who take the time to contribute to the discourse here on this small website. Whether encouraging, enthused, or critical of my reviews, I do appreciate all of your comments and l...
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REVIEW: With Vacuum Cleaners Partying, Erica Ash Ghettoizing Black Swan, and Morgan Freeman Narrating, Scary Movie 5 is Just Plain Weird

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, April 13, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Scary Movie 5

Directed By: Malcolm D. Lee

Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Erica Ash, Molly Shannon, Heather Locklear, J.P. Manoux, Jerry O'Connell, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and Morgan Freeman

How many times have you gone to an R-rated film and been appalled to see parents bringing their kids to the theater? I've honestly lost count at this point. Whether it be some violent, bloody horror flick or the latest rude and crude comedy, we've all sadly been there. It's needless to say that...
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REVIEW: Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor – If You’ve Seen The Trailer, You’ve Seen The Movie

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Saturday, March 30, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Tyler Perry

Starring: Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Lance Gross, Robbie Jones, Kim Kardashian, Brandy Norwood, and Vanessa Williams

When I first saw the movie trailer for Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor, I thought it revealed too much about the film’s plot. From the movie preview alone, I could see that the lead character is a woman who is tired of being ignored by her husband. She is tempted by a rich exe...

REVIEW: In The Last Exorcism Part II, Abalam Fails to Seduce Us When Nell Says This Demon Isn't Real

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 2, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Last Exorcism Part II

Directed By: Ed Gass-Donnelly

Starring: Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, Muse Watson, and Louis Herthum

When it comes to horror movies nowadays, I'm at my wit's end. They all just suck. Dark Skies, Texas Chainsaw, and Paranormal Activity 4 are all potent examples of the genre's decline in recent years. The good news is that we've had fewer horror movies in recent months. The bad news is the downward spiral of this genre continues. This weekend's The L...
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REVIEW: The Sorcerer And The White Snake – A Cheesy Martial Arts Meets Demon Fantasy Tale

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Saturday, February 16, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Sorcerer And The White Snake
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Ching Siu-tung

Starring: Jet Li, Eva Huang, Raymond Lam, Charlene Choi, Zhang Wen

The Sorcerer and the White Snake is a 2011 Chinese film that was not released to U.S. theaters until 2013. As a Jet Li fan, I was enthused to see the film—although all I really knew about the movie was that Jet Li was a sorcerer fighting a thousand year old demon. While that sounds ridiculous on its face, Li has successfully dabbled in the fantasy ...

REVIEW: After Your Latest Outing in A Good Day to Die Hard Detective McClane, Forget the Vacation in Chernobyl. Just Retire.

Posted by James Brown on Friday, February 15, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

A Good Day to Die Hard

Directed By: John Moore

Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Radivoje Bukvic, Cole Hauser, and Yuliya Snigir

I can't believe it's been 25 years since the original Die Hard came out. Arguably the most influential action movie of all time, this beloved film has reached its silver anniversary and is now legitimately a classic. This year marks a time to celebrate and honor John McClane for what he's done for action movies. With that in mind, Bruce Willis...

REVIEW: Crawlspace – An Evil Eve, Aliens and Telepathy Could Not Save This Australian Sci-Fi Horror Flick

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Saturday, February 2, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Crawlspace
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Justin Dix

Starring: Amber Clayton, Eddie Baroo, Ditch Davey, and Nicholas Bell

The January/February movie slump continues, even in the indie world. The latest entry is Crawlspace. Crawlspace is an Australian film set in the middle of the desert. The Australian and U.S. governments established a secret underground research facility in a remote location. A disaster has taken place at the facility and the government has lost contact with the underground i...

REVIEW: What is Movie 43? A Series of Ridiculous Shorts About the iBabe, Leprechauns, and a Cat Named Beezel

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, January 26, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Movie 43

Directed By: Peter Farrelly, Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Patrik Forsberg, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Brett Ratner, and Jonathan van Tulleken

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Emma Stone, Chloë Grace Moretz, Gerard Butler, Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Naomi Watts, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Kate Winslet, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, Seann William Scott, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Josh Duhamel, Leslie ...

REVIEW: Even With the Chaos from Danzinger and Chicago, Parker Doesn't Follow Through on Delivering a Decent Action Flick

Posted by James Brown on Friday, January 25, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Parker

Directed By: Taylor Hackford

Starring: Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Chiklis, Wendell Pierce, Clifton Collins, Jr., Bobby Canavale, and Nick Nolte

Jason Statham is one of the busiest action stars in the business, but it's rare that he actually produces something good. In the last two years alone, he's appeared in The Mechanic, Killer Elite, and The Expendables 2. This guy is clearly in the habit of making bad movies. That's why it's so fitting for him to grace theaters dur...

REVIEW: Paranormal Activity Spoof A Haunted House Keeps Its Eye on Sex, Not Comedy

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, January 12, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

A Haunted House

Directed By: Michael Tiddes

Starring: Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, Cedric the Entertainer, Nick Swardson, David Koechner, and Dave Sheridan

Horror movies are bad enough on their own these days. There's absolutely no need to make matters worse by making spoofs of these often horrible flicks. It's absolutely pointless. The only evidence I need to justify my position is that there is a Scary Movie 5 coming this year. Nothing more needs to be said to make my case. However,...

REVIEW: Texas Chainsaw 3D Can't Get Around the Good Book or August 19th

Posted by James Brown on Friday, January 4, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Directed By: John Luessenhop

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Tremaine Neverson (Trey Songz), Tania Raymonde, Thom Barry, Paul Rae, and Bill Moseley

Most bad movies just suck, but some can actually be fun to watch. While I'm a man who believes that a few beverages with some kick can make any movie an enjoyable experience, some of the rotten ones are laughably bad all on their own. It's been a while since I've seen a bad horror movie that I actually somewhat enjoyed, ...
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REVIEW: The Details is a Disastrous Series of Bad Dreams About Raccoons

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, December 20, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Details

Directed By: Jacob Aaron Estes

Starring: Tobey Maguire, Elizabeth Banks, Kerry Washington, Ray Liotta, Laura Linney, and Dennis Haysbert

I'm rarely at a loss for words when it comes to churning out a movie review. For Jacob Aaron Estes's The Details, I find myself in this fairly unfamiliar position. This movie is just so strange and uninteresting that I don't quite know where to begin writing. However, I do know that this indie comedy-drama is not something you should find yoursel...
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REVIEW: Playing For Keeps – Painfully Dull And Underwhelming

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Saturday, December 8, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Playing For Keeps
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Gabriele Muccino

Starring: Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Judy Greer and Dennis Quaid

I have a confession—I have had a little crush on Gerard Butler since Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life. (Don’t judge me—for seeing Cradle of Life or liking Butler). In any event, after his star turn in the blockbuster 300, Butler has starred in a string of forgettable films, leaning towards the romantic comedy genre. ...

REVIEW: The Loneliest Planet May Just Be the Most Boring Too

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, November 3, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Loneliest Planet

Directed By: Julia Loktev

Starring: Gael Garcia Bernal, Hani Furstenberg, and Bidzina Gujabidze

The Loneliest Planet has been a film I've been curious about for some time now. Having garnered quite a bit of love on the festival circuit and even getting nominated for a Best Feature Gotham Independent Film Award, I was of the mindset that this was going to be a great film. However, I'm going to have to go against the grain here and say that The Loneliest Planet is a thor...

REVIEW: Alessa & the Order of Valtiel Don't Bring the Darkness in Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

Posted by James Brown on Friday, October 26, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

Directed By: Michael J. Bassett

Starring: Adelaide Clemens, Sean Bean, Kit Harrington, Carrie-Anne Moss, Malcolm McDowell, Radha Mitchell, Deborah Kara Unger, and Martin Donovan

I'm so happy that this is the last weekend of October! That means we get a reprieve from bad horror movies for a couple of months. So far in the fall, we've had Sinister, Paranormal Activity 4, and Silent Hill: Revelation 3D. All of these attempted fright fests leave a lot to be desired ...

REVIEW: Mr. Boogie is Anything But Sinister. Try Infinitely Boring.

Posted by James Brown on Friday, October 12, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Sinister

Directed By: Scott Derrickson

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Juliet Rylance, Fred Thompson, James Ransone, Clare Foley, and Michael Hall D'Addario

Halloween is on the horizon. That means it's the season of crappy horror movies! That's unfortunately what we as moviegoers are subjected to on an annual basis. A couple of long-running franchises such as Paranormal Activity or Saw release their next terrible installments, and a few newcomers typically fall flat. This weekend, we have a horror newbie...
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REVIEW: When a Dog Gets a Bone, It Makes a Sequel...Taken 2

Posted by James Brown on Friday, October 5, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Taken 2

Directed By: Olivier Megaton

Starring: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, and Rade Šerbedžija

Taken was one awesome movie. Despite the mediocrity around him, Liam Neeson rose to the occasion to turn a formulaic action flick into something much, much more. Over the last four years, the film has become a beloved cult film. When I first learned of the sequel Taken 2, I thought Liam Neeson would come back and give us everything we loved about the original all over again. It ...

REVIEW: Resident Evil: Retribution – A Played Out Video Game With No Plot

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Saturday, September 15, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Resident Evil: Retribution
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, Boris Kodjoe, Shawn Roberts, Bingbing Li, Oded Fehr, Sienna Guillory

When a film is not screened in advance of its release by critics, that is usually because the movie sucks, and the studios are trying to avoid negative buzz dampening opening weekend. Resident Evil: Retribution was not screened by critics in advance and after suffering through the film, I can understand why.

T...
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REVIEW: Bachelorette: Mean Girls As Bridesmaids Kind Of Sucks

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Wednesday, August 29, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Bachelorette
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: Leslye Headland

Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher, Lizzy Caplan, Adam Scott, James Marsden, and Rebel Wilson

Well color me disappointed. I have seen promos for Bachelorette On Demand for the last few weeks and I was incredibly excited to see the movie. The film features some of my favorite comedic actors: Isla Fisher, James Marsden, and Adam Scott (fresh off of a hilarious turn in Friends with Kids). Moreover, it was produced by Will Ferrell and Ada...
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REVIEW: History Remembers the Battle But Forgets the Blood. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Remembers the Blood But Forgets How to Make a Good Movie

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, June 23, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Directed By: Timur Bekmambetov

Starring: Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Anthony Mackie, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rufus Sewell, and Marton Csokas

"History prefers legends to men, nobility to brutality, soaring speeches to quiet deeds. History remembers the battles, but forgets the blood. If history remembers me at all, it will only be a fraction of the truth."
-Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker)

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Based on the title alone, this film...
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REVIEW: That's My Boy Sucks. Wassssssssssuuuuup With That?

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, June 17, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

That's My Boy

Directed By: Sean Anders

Starring: Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Leighton Meester

Hollywood has decided to travel back in time this weekend. We're going back to the 80s! With the star-studded musical Rock of Ages and the new Adam Sandler comedy That's My Boy, we're getting a double dose of the past. Unfortunately for Happy Madison and Adam Sandler, going back in time won't help to undo the damage done to their brand in recent years with films like Jack & Jill. That's My Boy i...
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REVIEW: ¡Viva Cristo Rey! This Doesn't Mean You Won't Need Some Tequila During For Greater Glory Though

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, June 7, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

For Greater Glory

Directed By: Dean Wright

Starring: Andy Garcia, Eva Longoria, Eduardo Verástegui, Peter O'Toole, Bruce Greenwood, Oscar Isaac, and Nestor Carbonell

Religious tolerance has been a major issue throughout all of human history. Nobody wants to be told by anyone else what to believe or what not to believe. People want religious freedom (at least for themselves). Nonetheless, what history remembers most often concerns those who are persecuted and denied the right to believe in wh...
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REVIEW: Yes Amanda, Your Friends Are Morons and So Are You in Chernobyl Diaries

Posted by James Brown on Friday, May 25, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Chernobyl Diaries

Directed By: Bradley Parker

Starring: Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolso Berdal, and Dimitri Diatchenko

Last month, I gave The Cabin in the Woods a 0.06% rating. While the first half of the film was a little dry for my taste, the second half had me sitting on the edge of my seat. I didn't realize it then, but I think Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard might have raised my standard for the horror genre by just a few ...
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REVIEW: The Moth Diaries – 82 Minutes Too Long

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Sunday, April 29, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Moth Diaries
SoberFilmChick

Directed By: Mary Harron

Starring: Sarah Bolger, Lily Cole, Sarah Gadon, and Scott Speedman

The Moth Diaries is only 82 minutes in duration. However, those 82 minutes felt like an eternity when I watched this uninteresting tale. If only I had a time machine, I would go back and tell the SoberFilmCritic that I was not available to waste my time on this crap. But we don’t have time for should have, could have, would have on STMR and every movie can’t be a gem....
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REVIEW: In Its Search for the Light, The Only Destiny That The Lucky One Finds is Deep Darkness

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, April 21, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Lucky One

Directed By: Scott Hicks

Starring: Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling, Jay R. Ferguson, and Blythe Danner

Love is the theme of the weekend at the box office. After a couple of months full of comedies and action flicks, studios decided to throw the dating public a bone and try to give them something a little more romantic. With the adaptation of the Nicholas Sparks novel The Lucky One, they failed miserably though.

US Marine Logan Thibault stumbles across a photo of a beautiful woman whil...
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REVIEW: Moe, Larry, and Curly are Back as The Three Stooges, But Why? Just Let the Damn Eye Poke Stay Retired.

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, April 15, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Three Stooges

Directed By: Farrelly Brothers

Starring: Chris Diamantoloulos, Sean Hayes, and Will Sasso

Back in the good old days, The Three Stooges were the kings of comedy. Their antics brought smiles to the faces of millions for more than 45 years. For nearly half a century, they helped shape the landscape of television and film with their unique brand of slapstick comedy. Moe, Larry, and Curly are arguably the most iconic comedy act of the twentieth century. With that in mind, Peter ...
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REVIEW: Lockout Takes Crappy Movies to the Next Frontier—Space

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, April 14, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Lockout

Directed By: James Mather and Stephen St. Leger

Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Vincent Regan, Joseph Gilgun, Lennie James, and Peter Stormare

April is really a filler month in the box office schedule that's hit-or-miss for moviegoers. More often than not, the release schedule is filled with crap. The heavy hitters released in March are still hanging around in theaters, and the new stuff is just the preamble to the summer blockbuster season. The futuristic thriller Lockout is just...
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REVIEW: In Wrath of the Titans, Randomness Is the Name of the Game

Posted by James Brown on Friday, March 30, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Wrath of the Titans

Directed By: Jonathan Liebesman

Starring: Sam Worthington, Rosamund Pike, Bill Nighy, Édgar Ramirez, Toby Kebbell, Danny Huston, Ralph Fiennes, and Liam Neeson

Wrath of the Titans has finally hit theaters. This means we get to watch studios take a big crap all over Greek mythology for the millionth time. I'm not a fan of the 2010 flick Clash of the Titans. I'm also not a fan of Sam Worthington. That being said, I went into Wrath of the Titans with pretty low expectations...
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REVIEW: The Comeback Has Ended for Eddie Murphy. A Thousand Words Says It in a Thousand Ways

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 10, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

A Thousand Words

Directed By: Brian Robbins

Starring: Eddie Murphy, Kerry Washington, Cliff Curtis, Clark Duke, and Allison Janney

Six months ago, the writing was on the wall. Eddie Murphy was making his big comeback. Tower Heist was supposed to herald the return of the old Eddie Murphy. Then, he was supposed to host the Oscars for the first time. Finally, he was going to cap everything off with the comedy vehicle A Thousand Words. To date, I can say that this comeback has definitely been o...
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REVIEW: Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie Is a Billion Dollar Piece of Crap

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 3, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (B$M)

Directed By: Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim

Starring: Tim Heidecker, Eric Wareheim, Zach Galifianakis, and Will Ferrell

Once in a while, I go to the movies, and I almost forget why I love the movies so much. Sometimes the movies I go see are just so terrible that my faith in the magic of cinema wavers a bit. Particularly now, in this early part of the year, I really just go into this sort of movie depression. There's a lot of crap making its way into...
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REVIEW: Ghost Rider Has a Spirit of Vengeance, But It's Still One Ride You Don't Wanna Take

Posted by James Brown on Friday, February 17, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Directed By: Neveldine/Taylor

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Fergus Riordan, Ciarán Hinds, Violante Placido, Idris Elba, Christopher Lambert, and Johnny Whitworth

Nicolas Cage was once a respected, formidable actor. This guy is an Oscar winner with some great films on his résumé including Face/Off, The Rock, and Adaptation. When the IRS came knocking though, his career stopped rocking. It's clear. He's become known for making some of the worst films in recent years...
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REVIEW: Albert Nobbs Is a Daft Picture of Repression

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, January 29, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Albert Nobbs

Directed By: Rodrigo García

Starring: Glenn Close, Mia Wasikowska, Aaron Johnson, Janet McTeer, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Brendan Gleeson, and Maria Doyle Kennedy

January is the worst time of year for movies. We as moviegoers get the short end of the stick in so many ways. For mainstream films, we get all the crap that studios can't put out any other time of the year when there's real competition. For indie films, we're stuck with the flicks we've already seen in the fall. They've ...
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REVIEW: One for the Money Is One for the Crapper

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, January 28, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

One for the Money

Directed By: Julie Anne Robinson

Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O'Mara, Daniel Sunjata, John Leguizamo, Sherri Shepherd, and Debbie Reynolds

2010 marked the beginning of the end for Katherine Heigl. When studio execs decided to give her a gun in the romantic comedy Killers, we all knew that she could only go downhill from there. As expected, the film was awful and bombed at the box office. Heigl hasn't had a hit since that disastrous film. For some strange reason, some st...
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REVIEW: Red Tails Never Takes Off From the Runway

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, January 21, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Red Tails

Directed By: Anthony Hemingway

Starring: Cuba Gooding, Jr., Terrence Howard, Daniela Rush, Bryan Cranston, Nate Parker, David Oyelowo, Ryan Early, Method Man, Elijah Kelley, and Ne-Yo

Black History Month will be upon us in a couple of weeks, but Hollywood has decided to get the jump on everyone else this weekend by putting out a film on the Tuskegee Airmen, the first African-American pilots in the US armed forces. In the face of racism, prejudice, and discrimination, they were trailbl...
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REVIEW: For The Darkest Hour, Take Ben's Advice. Drink Religiously.

Posted by James Brown on Tuesday, December 27, 2011, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Darkest Hour

Directed By: Chris Gorak

Starring: Olivia Thirlby, Emile Hirsch, Rachael Taylor, Max Minghella, and Joel Kinnaman

The movie industry has been pretty bipolar this year. 2011 has had some really great films, but there have been plenty of horrible flicks that have driven up my bar tab. It just so happens that Summit Entertainment has been at the forefront of half-assed filmmaking over the past twelve months. They've given us crap like The Three Musketeers and The Twilight Saga: ...
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REVIEW: Like Bella, I Have Nightmares. Last Night, I Dreamt About Twilight

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, November 19, 2011, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

Directed By: Bill Condon

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner

I always try to see the best in movies, but sometimes films are just so crappy that they're downright nightmarish. In my first official review of a Twilight film, I wanted to give a decent review. I wanted to be nice and not piss off those diehard Twilight fans, but the temptation to trash this crappy film is just too great. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part...
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REVIEW: One For All, All For Nothing. The Three Musketeers Is An Epic Failure

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, October 23, 2011, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

The Three Musketeers

Directed By: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfayden, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Mads Mikkelsen, James Corden, Juno Temple, Orlando Bloom, and Christoph Waltz

Every once in a while, I have reasonably high hopes for a film even when I know I shouldn't. When I heard about The Three Musketeers, I thought it had potential to be a sleeper hit. Then, I learned about the cast, a melting pot of lesser known actors and stars who stopped shining ...
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REVIEW: Open Up a Tab At the Bar for Final Destination 5

Posted by James Brown on Tuesday, August 16, 2011, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor

Final Destination 5

Directed By: Steven Quale

Starring: Nicholas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Arlen Escarpeta, and Miles Fisher

Great horror films are the stuff from which nightmares are born. They can make the most fearless individuals a bit apprehensive. The terrors in these movies are immortalized on film and in our memories. Bad horror flicks are exactly the opposite. They're the examples that give the horror genre a bad rap. Final Destination 5 is sadly just another bad horror pic that lacks s...
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