Starring: Kevin James, Neal McDonough, Daniella Alonso, David Henrie, Raini Rodriguez, Loni Love, and Geovanni Gopradi
I've been starting to think that I've been getting softer as a movie critic. I've been giving fewer wasted ratings. I've not had any recent urges to walk out of movies. To take the cake, I can't even remember the last time I wrote an angry movie review. All of these thoughts came to a screeching halt this weekend when I saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. If there's any movie that shouldn't have even be conceived, this is it ladies and gentleman.
Six years after the events at the West Orange Pavilion Mall, Paul Blart (Kevin James) finds himself in a bit of personal rut. His wife leaves him. His mother (Shirley Knight) dies. He only has two things left in this world that matter to him — the mall and his daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez). Things start to look up for him when he gets an invite to the Security Officer's Trade Association Convention at the Wynn in Las Vegas. With Maya by his side, he makes his way out to Sin City for the convention. Soon, Blart finds himself making new friends and finding more adventures, particularly with hotel manager Divina Martinez (Daniella Alonso). Trouble is brewing, however, in more ways than one. Maya has been accepted to UCLA and has an opportunity to move cross country. Also, there's the small matter of an art heist at the Wynn by a VIP named Vincent (Neal McDonough) and his highly skilled crew of thieves.
There are few films that I loathe quite like Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. It is everything that is wrong with the Hollywood greed machine in a succinct 90-minute nutshell. The comedy is altogether nonexistent. The gags are rude and crude. The story, if it can be called that, is cheesy as hell. It's just a series of embarrassingly awful developments. There are fewer films quite as unfunny as this. All in all, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is the rare film that makes me angry just thinking about it.
It should come as no surprise that Paul Blart comes back to theaters courtesy of Happy Madison Productions, Adam Sandler's production company. Even when he's not in the movie, Sandler delegates the task of aggravating intelligent moviegoers out to other comedians. This time around, it's the once funny guy Kevin James up at bat. If I hear James utter the irritating expression "Holy Crawfish!" one more time, I might just punch somebody. He gives what I can only consider to be an abysmal performance. Giving law enforcement officers everywhere a bad name, James reprises his role as this immensely annoying character.
As much as I hate Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, there's something that absolutely perplexes me about my experience seeing the movie. At the end of the screening in my half-full theater, the audience applauded. I'm genuinely confounded and horrified by the fact that Hollywood can shirk its duty of providing quality entertainment to the extent it does and get lauded for it. I can't make this stuff up. Just thinking about this nonsense, I could use a few fireballs. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 gets a wasted rating. Feel free to skip this one.
