Retro Reviews - Sobriety Test Movie Reviews

REVIEW: Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones – Anakin Rejects The Role Of The Young Padawan As The Galactic Republic Faces The Dark Side

Posted by SoberFilmChick on Thursday, September 11, 2014 In : 0.09% Cocktails

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
SoberFilmChick

Directed by: George Lucas

Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ian McDiarmid, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, and Frank Oz

With the release of a new Star Wars film imminent, Sobriety Test Movie Reviews continues its retro review series of Episodes I through VI. Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones marked the second installment in the tale of Anakin Skywalker’s desce...

REVIEW: With Gozer the Gozerian, Keymaster Vinz Clortho, & Gatekeeper Zuul, Ghostbusters Gets a Big Twinkie & The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, September 11, 2014 In : 0.00% Water

Ghostbusters

Directed By: Ivan Reitman

Starring: Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis, Ernie Hudson, and William Atherton

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted i...

REVIEW: Soul Mates Chris & Annie Determine What Dreams May Come on D-Day by What They Paint on the Canvas of the Afterlife

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, August 30, 2014 In : 0.06% Beer or Wine

What Dreams May Come

Directed By: Vincent Ward

Starring: Robin Williams, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Annabella Sciorra, and Max von Sydow

"Sometimes, when you win, you lose."
-Annie Nielsen (Annabella Sciorra)

As I've listened to different media personalities and fans around the world express their love for Robin Williams this month, they've all mentioned a handful of films they treasure in particular. They've mentioned films like Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, and Awakeni...
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REVIEW: Catching Balls, Taking L-DOPA, and Moving with Ticks, Leonard's Awakenings Show the Will of the Human Spirit to Dr. Sayer

Posted by James Brown on Friday, August 29, 2014 In : 0.03% Wine Coolers

Awakenings

Directed By: Penny Marshall

Starring: Robert De Niro, Robin Williams, John Heard, Julie Kavner, Penelope Ann Miller, and Max von Sydow

"His gaze is from the passing of bars so exhausted, that it doesn't hold a thing anymore. For him, it's as if there were thousands of bars and behind the thousands of bars no world. The sure stride of lithe, powerful steps, that around the smallest of circles turns, is like a dance of pure energy about a center, in which a great will stands numbed. ...
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REVIEW: Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire — Dude Looks Like a Lady

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, August 10, 2014 In : 0.03% Wine Coolers

Mrs. Doubtfire

Directed By: Chris Columbus

Starring: Robin Williams, Sally Field, Lisa Jakub, Matthew Lawrence, Mara Wilson, Pierce Brosnan, and Harvey Fierstein

"They should have a little disclaimer that says ‘Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show’. Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger."
-Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams)

At this point in cinema, I'd argue that...
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REVIEW: Cheer for Dear Old Lean on Me As HNIC Crazy Joe Clark & His Ghosts Resurrect Eastside High & Lead Onto Victory on the Minimum Basic Skills Test

Posted by James Brown on Friday, August 8, 2014 In : 0.00% Water

Lean On Me

Directed By: John G. Avildsen

Starring: Morgan Freeman, Beverly Todd, Alan North, and Robert Guillaume

"They used to call me Crazy Joe. Well now they can call me Batman!"
-Joe Clark (Morgan Freeman)

It's hard to believe it's been 25 years since Morgan Freeman gave us one of his most colorful performances to date as Principal Joe Clark in Lean On Me. It's hard to believe that it's been 25 years since a cantankerous Freeman saw the lightning crash, heard the thunder roll, and felt break...
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REVIEW: Ape Management's Use of the Achilles List Guarantees the Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, July 13, 2014 In : 0.09% Cocktails

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Directed By: J. Lee Thompson

Starring: Roddy McDowall, Don Murray, Ricardo Montalbán, and Natalie Trundy

Caesar (Roddy McDowall): "The King is dead. Long live the King! Tell me Breck, before you die - how do we differ from the dogs and cats that you and your kind used to love? Why did you turn us from pets into slaves?"

Breck (Don Murray): "Because your kind were once our ancestors. Because man was born of apes, and there's still an ape curled up inside of ...
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REVIEW: With Time Travel, A Presidential Commission, & A Pregnant Zira, Escape from the Planet of the Apes Scoffs at Conventional Narrative Wisdom

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, July 13, 2014 In : 0.03% Wine Coolers

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Directed By: Don Taylor

Starring: Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Bradford Dillman, Natalie Trundy, Eric Braeden, Sal Mineo, and Ricardo Montalbán

Beneath the Planet of the Apes has a pretty definitive conclusion. After all, just about everybody dies. The film's explosive ending could not kill Hollywood's addiction to sequels, however. Studio execs somehow resurrect the series and march onward. This is some pretty unbelievable stuff for the early 70s. This se...
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REVIEW: In Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Doomsday Nears for This Green & Insignificant Planet Thanks to the Telepaths' Alpha Omega Bomb

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, June 22, 2014 In : 0.06% Beer or Wine

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

Directed By: Ted Post

Starring: James Franciscus, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, Linda Harrison, and Charlton Heston

As I watched Planet of the Apes once again, it reminded me just how bold Rise of the Planet of the Apes and its upcoming sequel Dawn of the Planet of the Apes really are. In Planet of the Apes and its sequels, the apocalypse has come and gone. In these newer prequels, we're focusing squarely on the turbulent times that lead to mankind's downfall, which...
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REVIEW: On the Upside Down Planet of the Apes, Bright Eyes Deviant Taylor Wants the Damned Dirty Apes to Get Their Stinking Paws Off Him

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, June 19, 2014 In : 0.00% Water

Planet of the Apes

Directed By: Franklin J. Schaffner

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Maurice Evans, Kim Hunter, James Whitmore, James Daly, and Linda Harrison

"Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the ...
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